Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
