come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize