Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
