Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
