we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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