i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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