1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
