Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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