i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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