Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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