This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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