his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
