Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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