I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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