I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize