i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
