definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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