A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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