you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
