someone threw a dead crab at me
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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