I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
