Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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