dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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