Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
