had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
