I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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