The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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