Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Holy sore nipples Batman
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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