Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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