her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
