Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Couch. On fire.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
