im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It was confusing and full of hummus
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
