Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
