She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
