in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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