my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
