shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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