There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
