you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
