we're chasing vodka with high fives
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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