I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
