You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
