I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
