she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
