I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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