You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We talked him into tasing himself.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
