I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
