yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
