So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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