u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
