I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize