i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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