Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
