In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
