I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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